The Impossible Fire.

After I took the picture of the birdhouse in Jordan’s garden I wanted to make a pre-arranged photograph. Even though it’s not something I usually like to do. However I found myself arranging the objects on the table in some manner and then I took a photograph while slouching in my chair. I put the objects back that I took off the table and messed it up again. The sun was behind the clouds and the photo sort of turned out dark but the photograph was still good. I helped Jordan look for things around his yard to put into the chemo for tonight after we finished talking. As I got up the sun came out. I knew I would never have another chance to take the photograph. I switched the camera to the light setting to turn off the flash and took the photograph. The result was a brighter photograph of the same thing. Only this time the objects weren’t pre-arranged like I wanted them. I looked at both and couldn’t decide on which one to put on this website. So I finally decided on the brighter one and gave the other to Jordan.

I guess I couldn’t get my arranged photograph. I love to look at Polaroid photographs on some photo websites. When I look at them I think “Wow! That is a classic, run of the mill Polaroid photograph.” It is hard to explain, but when you see what other people take photos of with a Polaroid, it’s like, a piece of furniture, or people huddling together, or something abstract. I love it. I only wish that if people see my Polaroid photographs that they think the same way.

After dinner that same day I asked my dad if any of the neighbours had any wood that I could use to burn in his chemo. Ends up my neighbour Kenny had a whole bunch of pine that he wanted to get rid of. During the dusk in the evening we systematically got the saw and started to cut it all into small pieces of wood to burn. I was in my zip up sweater with work gloves on and cutting some wood and smelling the pine was great. It’s these small insignificant moments when you just feel manly. My dad came in to help with transporting the cut wood on a tarp to put into Jordan’s car when he came to pick me up.

When Jordan arrived he backed up and opened the trunk. We picked up the tarp of wood, which was surprisingly light, and dumped it in the back. I grabbed some beers and we drove over to his house, stopping at the McDonalds along the way for a couple of burgers. When we got to his house, Nelson and Pete arrived at the same time. We all went over to the gazebo and started to light up the candles and I opened a beer and started eating. Pete started up the fire like he usually does. It started to go for a bit but then died down.

“Too much wood!” We were yelling at him.
“You told me to keep adding more!” He argued. He was right.
“Don’t listen to us man.” I said and took a swig of my beer, and a bite of my burger.

The pine must have been too wet from the rain yesterday because no matter how much we tried and how much of a fire we thought we had. It just wouldn’t keep burning constant. The pine smoked a lot too and one of Jordan’s neighbours came over to make sure everything was ok. So much for that wood. I think it will be ok for when we all go camping near the middle of October though.

Nelson wanted to leave because he was feeling ill. So I jumped in the car with him and that was the end of the night. Kind of a downer of a night, but we still had some fun. Maybe when the pine dries up, it will burn better.

music to accompany the blog: Travis - Why Does It Always Rain On Me?

For The Birds.

The wind is getting chillier by the day. Today I realized that I don’t have anymore Polaroid 500 film left in my camera. There is only one place in Oshawa that I know carries the stuff, so I decided to take my bike at around one o’ clock in the afternoon to go get some. I was offered a drive there, but if I really wanted to a drive down, I probably would have just taken the car myself. The location is really difficult to get to because it is on a one-way street with loads of traffic. Most so the reason for taking my bike is simply I love to go cycling and prefer riding a bicycle over driving. During the hot months in Peterborough I loved riding around the city because it is so flat. Oshawa is a different story, it’s great to bike from my location elsewhere, but getting back is trouble because the far east end of the city is on a huge hill overlooking the rest of the city. I live on that top of the hill.

I get to the part of the city that just begins to the descent down on Grandview Street. I look out down below and see Lake Ontario in the distance. Not quite the ocean as I saw back in Cape Cod, but still a marvel none the less. The cloud formations were magnificent. In a sense I wish I had the film in my camera at this moment to take a picture. It’s funny when you get caught in those moments and you find yourself saying the cliché “I wish I had my camera.”

One such moment happened in my first year in University around this time in September. I actually remember the exact date. It was the 26th day of the month. I left my residence room in Champlain College to go somewhere late in the evening. I usually brought my camera everywhere on campus as I was quite the shutter bug. As I climbed the stairs leading to the University library I looked up and saw the most beautiful sky. It was a deep blue but still very much bright outside, and the moon was full and looming over the other residence houses on the hill. I wanted to run back to my room to get my camera and run back to take the photograph. I had to go somewhere and figured by the time I get my camera and run back to the same location it would be too late. The sky would probably change. Instead I remembered the moment and just stood there on the concrete stationary gazing out into the distance to remember what I saw forever. I wonder what people thought if they saw me that day, standing still looking at a moon for minutes.

I thought I could return to this spot one year later and actually remembered the date, counted down the days until I could. However, when the day actually arrived the University began construction on the new college, so a giant crane was in the way. After the college was built, the photo could never exist physically because the new college blocked the view of the houses from that spot.

Robert Frank once said: “My photographs are not planned or composed in advance, and I do not anticipate that the onlooker will share my viewpoint. However, I feel that if my photograph leaves an image on his mind, something has been accomplished.”

Sitting on my bicycle seat looking at the sky from up high reminded me of that moment in my life. I guess this whole experience of using Polaroids and taking my camera everywhere is a return to that lifestyle I use to experience.

I rode my bike further west towards the photography store. It was smooth ride from here and I avoided as many of the main streets as I could. Gangs of kids on bikes and skateboards were all around in these small neighbourhoods. After crossing a big distance on my bike I finally arrived at Bernie’s Foto Source. I met Dan at the counter, whom I spoke to earlier on the phone.

“Hi, I called earlier about the Polaroid 500 film.”
“Sure, here it is; the last pack.”
“Are you going to be getting any more?”
“Oh why? Do you want to buy a whole bunch?”
“Well, if you keep getting them, I’ll keep buying them.”
“One sec, lemme ask.”

He asked someone in the back and confirmed that they are going to be getting more stock. Perfect I thought, and then hopped on my bike for the quest back home. Before I did I called up Jordan on my cell to see if he was around, because he is pretty close in this area. He was home and had some time to spare so I went to visit him.

His backyard has been a sort of nice hang out spot in the summer time. We love sitting in chairs around this old wooden table to light up candles, a fire in an old chemo, and to have drinks and laughs. As I sat there on the chair chatting with him and making plans to hang out tonight with the rest of the crew, my eyes caught the attention of a birdhouse in his garden. Among the tomato plants and vines on the chain link fence stood a wooden birdhouse of sky blue. Like a robin’s egg. I crept up to it as if I was stalking my prey and opened my camera.

I tried to position my view so that I didn’t capture anything in the background other than the vines, and wanted to make sure that no tomato plant leaves got in the way to destroy the focus. I took the picture. I think it turned out pretty well. His garden is pretty amazing from a photographer’s point of view. The objects really stand out and are complimented really well by the array of colours available through the various plants and flowers that surround them. Plus most of the objects are things of an old age way past my time of existence, and it’s fun to see what they have become after all these years.

Jordan had to get ready for class though, so I went on my way back home. Did not like that hill coming back, but all and all, it was nice to be back home. And, it was nice to remember something that meant a lot to me in the past. I’ll never forget that picture that never was.

music to accompany the blog: Saosin - Collapse.

Just.

When you look at a single word by itself without a sentence it seems alien to you. I took a photograph of the setting sun at my cottage. It was probably one of the last days I was there, and during the week I didn’t really get up to much other than to relax on the island. I know when I return I have to start looking for a job and start the rest of my life. Something I look forward to, and something I am scared of at the same time because nothing is absolute. I take the Polaroid out of the camera and hold it up blocking the sun from my eyes. It flaps in the wind a bit and slowly and surely it develops from a faded look to full colour. There is nothing inspirational about this photograph to me. I have taken so many sunsets at this location because it is right outside on my front yard. To me it is just another sunset. Over the progression of my life I have had many cameras, I think I started from those disposable cameras, to a Nikon 35mm camera, to a digital camera, and then to Polaroid.

The beauty of the Polaroid is in the developing, because there are so many ways to manipulate the outcome. I like to leave it as is though, to see how the camera wants it to be developed. In this case everything looks like a silhouette to the sunset. A bit of the purple sky shows up too in the corner. Wonderful. I place it back into the camera for holding.

I use to love this tree growing up. I remember moments in my life where I would just sit up top the branch up high and look out to the river in the distance. I would sit up there for hours thinking to myself. I wonder what I was thinking about back then; such a tame moment in our lives when we were young.

I walked back in my cottage and I lay in bed listening to my MD Walkman and started to think about my life growing up. My experiences and how they have shaped me over the years. I also think back to a time when I was taking a Cultural Studies course in the summertime, and we actually had a “Show And Tell” as one of our final assignments. I brought in a photo album of my pictures from my 35mm camera. I remember what my professor, Jonathon Bordo, said about it as he gazed upon the four-squared pages with photos in it.

“You know, I wish we were able to do the Photograph section of this course, because it is amazing how this to you and me may seem like just a sunset, but to be a part of the moment is something indescribable.”

The sun finally started to disappear and in the waning light through my window I caught a glimpse of the bluish hue sky before it settled to darkness.

music to accompany the blog: John Mayer – The Heart Of Life.

Spider Rock.

I returned home in Ontario from a long trip to Cape Cod. My father picked me up when we crossed over the border on the 1000 Islands Bridge and took me back to the cottage on Tar Island. The crew and I were so relieved to be back home in Ontario, if we could I bet we would all pile out of the car and have a big group hug and dance and scream. Tired and wary though, Jordan was driving and taking a simple photograph of the Ontario sign with his camera, the other Jordan was playing on his laptop, and Leanne was quietly thinking to herself. My dad was kind of glad to see me when he was driving me back and we spent the rest of the night in my godfathers garage drinking.

His garage is pretty cool and has the classic country feel to it. He does wood working as a hobby, so there are model ducks everywhere, and tools everywhere to do it. In the center of the garage is a metal shop table with some sort of fabric draped over it. We gather stools from all over the garage and gather around the table and start drinking. My dad loves it here. But when it started to get dark we went across the river to my cottage. I didn’t stay up late cause the long trip back really tired me out seeing that I had to get up early.

The next morning my dad returned back to Oshawa, but I decided to stay behind with my mother and puppy for an extra week. It may not have been the best of decisions because it started to pour rain when I was taking my dad across the river. I was prepared for it though with my long yellow rain coat on the heavy rain did not affect me too much except to cause me to squint and get my hair soaked. My dads’ old boat of 30 years was leaking so badly that I was scared it would sink. He bought a new boat this summer by continues to use the old one even though it is full of water every morning. I watch him and shake my head when he goes down there to bail it out for twenty minutes. The rain continued until noon that day.

I spent most of the rest of the day in my room looking at all the photographs I took from the trip to Cape Cod and organizing the pieces of paper that I wrote on. Looking out my window I can barely make out the stream of rain drops falling from the sky. Hundreds at a time, my eyes dart side to side looking at them, and I turned back to my photographs.

I got up and decided to take a new photograph seeing that the rain had stopped. Seeing that it could pour at any second I took my backpack with me and stuffed the camera inside. I made my way to this big rocky area on the island called Blueberry Hill. For some reason since I was a kid I have always known it to be called Spider Rock because of a time when someone saw a gigantic spider on one of them. At least, that was what I was told. It is amazing some of the myths and legends that we get told as kids that stick with us until adulthood.

I stood there in front of one of the rocks, the multi-coloured moss at its feet. Red moss means it is dried out dead I think, lush green is healthy. What does one think about when standing in the middle of the wilderness in front of a big rock? People. I thought about people. I thought about the first girl I kissed on that very rock, thought about my friends, my ex-girlfriend, one of my sweethearts from college… Sarah. I remember when she came to visit me at my cottage we wandered around the island. She then a week later sent me a letter with a photograph of a sunset and a piece of paper that read in simple pencil:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. – Robert Frost

I haven’t spoken to her in years. I haven’t spoken to a lot of people in years. Reaching in my backpack I took out my Polaroid camera and I took the photograph of the rock with my camera. I wanted to capture the feeling of isolation that the rock must have.

Being stuck in the middle of a path that nobody takes.

music to accompany the blog: Joshua Radin - The Fear You Won't Fall.

Finding My Lighthouse.

Doing some research on Cape Cod and by looking at the cheaply made tourist maps available at any of the food joints, I was intrigued to find some info on lighthouses located all over and thought it would be a great photograph to take. Of course the rest of the crew wanted to check out the northern point as well so it was a win-win situation. We all got into the car early and drove north along the spit to do some sightseeing.

Our first stop was the Cape Cod Light which ended up being a hokey tourist trap, like most things found around here, so we moved on. We drove further north to Province Town, which was an interesting experience. Most of the day was spent there walking around downtown in awe at some of the sites along Commercial Street, and then stopping in for lunch at a place outside. Sadly all the lighthouses were too far away and after all the walking only Leanne and I were voices against returning back to the resort.

We drove towards Race Point where there was a lighthouse and a beach. The crew went down to the beach while I went to ask directions to the lighthouse. Two miles walking by sand was the answer I got from one of the local rangers. I was devastated. I went back to the beach to sit beside my friends in the sand. “You missed a seal.” They started telling me, one that came up the shore for a little bit. That would have been cool to see. The beach looked like every other beach around here; the only difference was the people around here, probably all from Province Town.

Herring Cove was the next destination and my eyes lit up with excitement when I saw a barrier of rocks with a walkway towards a lighthouse. The sun was starting to set as well, and the water around the barrier of rocks looked like glass at this time. We didn’t stop. No convenient parking spots. Devastated again. I thought there was no hope at this point as the car got on a major highway to go back to the resort. I sat in the back seat of the car quietly sulking to myself. I was thinking of that tourist trap and wondering if I should have taken a photo anyways. I confided in myself knowing that it would not have the story I wanted if I did take the picture anyways. So perhaps I was better off without a picture of a lighthouse.

While Jordan drove back I looked at one of the maps I picked up at the tourist information booth. It showed a road that went along the coast. Under closer study I noticed in the legend of the map that a few lighthouses were there too. I brought up the suggestion which actually was agreed upon after a down in the dumps day.

The road was called Nauset Drive because quite obviously it leads to Nauset Beach and Nauset Light. When we arrived we parked at the beach parking and then piled out of the car. We all split up to find a place to play cards. I went over near Nauset Light to find a good photo to take. I went around a bendy road and was face to face with it, towering over me. It was still functional with a bright white and red light periodically flashing in all directions slowly and methodically. The clouds were darkening and engulfing the setting sun, which had its rays shining brilliantly. I found a good position and held my camera up and took the picture. I wanted to capture the lighthouse with the rays shinning behind it in the photo, and also to give that towering effect.

Though probably not a perfect picture due to the lighting, I love it anyways, because truly the lighthouse was waiting all day for me to take its picture.

music to accompany the blog: Lighthouse - Everything.

Surfers.

I watched them intensely from a top the cliff. They paddled outwards against the waves. Then they would just float on the ocean, bobbing up and down, until that perfect wave manifested at the last second for their boards to catch. Towards the beach they would go and then falling into the water just before hitting the edge of the sand.

I always wondered how big our world must be compared to an ant. Is my backyard their North America? I feel like an ant sometimes because an Ant will not venture too far I figure, how could she? They are so tiny and to them our backyard is so vast that when we think about the comparison to scale. Like an Ant, I too stay in a general area around home, and never truly experiencing what is beyond my usual familiar surroundings.

Looking out from that cliff I could see nearly the whole shape of the Earth. Unlike seeing out on a lake or river that I am use to, I know that beyond that horizon more ocean waters exist, that can not be comprehended through simple thought. It is what makes up most of the earth more than a million backyards multiplied by each other.

I took a photograph of the surfers. I wanted to make sure the ocean horizon was in the photo, and that it would come out straight across and level. I wanted to capture the ant-like surfers in the water from my perspective; tiny dots in the big bluish water.

Later we all went down to the beach and found a flat rock where we started playing cards. A young boy came up to us and asked if he could play. “Sure!” I said, and invited him to sit in the sand with us. The sun was setting and dusk was creeping in, there was a small breeze that surprisingly did not disturb the card playing at all.

Hand after hand was dealt and we all had some good laughs.

When his mother called we decided it was time for us to head back as well.

music to accompany the blog: Jack Johnson - Holes To Heaven.

Friendship.

Jordan’s parents were staying at Cape Cod as well as us, so the next morning we all grudgingly got up and they were so kind as to invite us to come over to the Sandpiper Inn to go visit them. We had to make sure they had a beach though because before the invite we were all thinking of heading to a beach so we can all go for a swim in the ocean. We arrived at their resort and they greeted us in the parking lot and then lead us to their room, which had its own private beach.

We took off our shoes and sandals and walked down to the ocean. The two Jordans and Leanne stood in the water just above the ankles. I wanted to take a picture of the three of them looking out into the oceans candidly. However, too many people were in the way.

The sand was really fine, passing through the toes with ease. One had to tread carefully though because scattered all around like shrapnel were broken sea shells once inhabited by some sort of sea creature. Some even jagged around the edges. I picked up a couple of shells that looked like ocean clams. They were bleached white from the sun I guessed. I fit them in the pockets of my shorts and headed down to the waters edge.

I looked to my right and took a Polaroid picture of the beach. I wanted to make sure no one was in the photo. It turned out to be an alright photograph with the waves rippling, and the little bit of the ocean creeping on the soft and smooth sand. I still look at the photo and think about the concept of friendship; even though it wasn’t the photo I wanted of my three buds looking out in the ocean.

We then walked back to get changed into swimwear, tossing the frisbee back and forth to one another the entire way. “Just jump in!” Jordan yelled to me while he was in the water up to his chest, “It gets warmer.” I jumped into a big wave that was coming towards me and went under. I got a bit of my wind knocked out of me, and when I surfaced all I could taste was an overwhelming salty liquid on my lips. I didn’t mind it that much and it was funny that as soon as I opened my eyes I didn’t feel any burning at all. Usually swimming in fresh water I have to keep rubbing until it goes away.

So we had our fun and as the sun would creep slowly down the horizon, the wind would pick up and make the air ever so much cooler. We all stayed around the hammocks by the room and lay down in the sand underneath our towels to get ever last bit of the sun as we can. Blue clouds surrounded it and even though the sun struggled to break free, it really had no chance against the looming evening sky.

I loved the ocean, it was amazing. I’ll never forget the feeling for the rest of my life.

music to accompany the blog: Dashboard Confessional - Dusk And Summer.

Ocean At Night.

It is our second day here in Cape Cod, Massachusetts. After a long trip by car into some of the small towns during the day, we spent the rest of the night winding down in our hotel room. I was enjoying a bottle of [yellowtail] red wine to myself, Jordan was mixing Southern Comfort with ginger ale or cranberry juice, and Leanne had her vanilla rum with coke. The room was everything you would expect from a sea side town. Very light paint on the walls with blue and yellow tones, pictures of sailboats, a hideaway bed, plaid furniture, and even framed arrow signs pointing to the direction of the boats and beach – each with big letters of the word printed on respectively.

The two Jordans suddenly were tired from all the shopping that took place that day. Leanne and I, wanting to take full advantage of our drunken state, decided to walk around the town at night. We first ended up at a mini-putt golf course with a pirate theme to it. The outside lights were still on so we walked around the course taking photographs of each other standing by the cheaply made statues of pirates. Then further down the course we walked a plank onto a mock pirate ship where we laughed as we photographed ourselves pretending to steer it. If only we had some putters with us, we could have actually played the course for free until the lights would go out.

We laughed and joked as we walked down the main street, and seeing a sign that read “Seaview” on it, we decided to continue our walk down that way. The road was very quiet and dark. The street lamps were much distanced apart from one another leaving some parts of the road in complete darkness. Trees were in numbers along the sides of the road, just past a small ditch that ran along with the road, they provided the dancing shadows on the road before us.

Our conversations switched to be mostly about our memories of going to high school together and how weird it is that we use to have lunch together everyday for one semester because of mutual friends. But we never knew nor really talked to one another. Even though we are better friends now we still don’t essentially know one another through and through. When you think about that, you start to run down and think of the list of people you talk to, and wonder how many of them really understand who and what you are inside and out.

Heading back to the hotel crossed our minds at this point because the road felt endless. Once we heard the sounds of the oceans waves crashing, however, we knew that we had to press forward. Up until this point in my life at 24 years old, I have never seen the ocean before. It was the sort of driving factor for me to come on this road trip other than to enjoy some time and have fun with some close friends.

Wooden steps lead down to the beach which was slightly lit from the porch lights of houses near by. We took off our shoes and sandals and walked to the water edge. Rushes of cold ocean salt water rinsed through my ankles and the webbing between my toes. In the darkness one could only make out the small white cap of the wave before it hit the beach, and then the movement of clear liquid residing back into the giant pool from where it came.

“Oh wow,” I said out loud, totally enjoying the moment. I see Leanne wading in further along the beach. I open my Polaroid camera and flipped the switch to the dark setting and captured the shot. It probably wasn’t the best of conditions to take a photo because of the lack of light, but it seemed like a good idea after drinking a bottle of wine. I wanted to get a picture of her in the water because she looked out of place like an apparition in the waves.

It was her white clothing that saved the photo from becoming just a black void. I ended up liking it even though most would call it a bogus photo; to me it has a sort of mystery to it.

After picking up some sea shells on the beach and washing them in the ocean water, we walked back to the hotel with sand in our shoes.

music to accompany the blog: Jack Johnson - Pirate Look At 40.

Big Dreams, Little Falls.

After hours on the interstate highways we realized a desperate need for gas and food. My friends and I are on our way to Cape Cod, MA and right now we are right in the heart of New York State. We turned off the next exit which leads us in a downward spiral of roads with huge mounds of dark dirt and stone surrounding us. It eventually came to a small valley town called Little Falls. We entered the town by crossing a lone stone bridge; it seemed secluded from the outside world because all around the whole town as far as the eye could see were gigantic hills lined with forestry. It was majestic to look at in awe upwards and around. It is the sort of town that you just feel out of place when you arrive.

We stopped at the local Subway to get some food, probably the only familiar sights we would see. Jordan and I had a small serving so while the other Jordan and Leanne continued eating, we ventured around to find an open gas station.

It was still humid outside this late in the summer season, the sun was strong as ever being the only thing that is able to peek above the surrounding hillsides. We admired some of the old churches along the streets, proudly displaying their founding date chiseled into the concrete foundation. One such church had 1875 on it, with vines creeping up the front of the building, and the un-maintained roof had faded shingles from age, falling off in places to reveal the bare rotting wood it was meant to protect.

Up the street further we noticed a large clock sticking upright on a steel poll, but it was all one single whole object. We approached it to take some photographs. I took a Polaroid picture to capture the old architecture of the town, to capture the meaning of time that this town must have had and to exclude anything modern. Doing so I believe made the photograph more than what it was, more of a representation of that time.

After the Polaroid developed I inspected the picture of the clock in the photograph. The minute and the hour hands pointed just past some numbers on the face. Unmoving, and unchanging time essentially stood still. As would that moment forever.

Our visit to Little Falls, New York was short because soon after finding an open Sunoco we continued on our journey.

music to accompany the blog: Tom Waits – Time.